all things new

it has been a long time since i have had it in me to sit down and blogvent all my deep, dark feelings.  the truth is that i have been in a really bad place.  i am not even going to pretend that i don't have a TON of great things going on in my life.  i mean, i always have a life full of great gifts and blessings, but there are all sorts of new things happening... i will list some of these exciting developments here, because i am selfish and i want the reminder.

• we are waiting to adopt another baby, which means i am pregnant on paper.
• i recently started a (soon-to-be-wildly-successful) business with a great friend. (i will tell that story soon enough, but the micro-version is that i pretended to have a business, and to make good on that claim, i actually had to start one.  it just felt like lying otherwise. because it was lying, a little. okay, mostly it was lying.)
• i am starting a 6 week trial serving with the children's ministry at my church.  this is perfect for me because i looooove my church, i love the people i will be working with, i love kids, i love Jesus, and i love my family... with whom i will get to serve.  *in case you are concerned about me working with children after my confession about all the lying, please understand that i didn't mean to lie, i just got excited and i made good on the claim that i had a business, by starting said business.  so, it was really like a prophesy that had not yet been fulfilled.  so i am less like a liar, and more like a false prophet.  which is still shameful and you are right, i should not work with children.  i will resign immediately. (lie.)
• we have decided on the dates for the Third Annual Capuano Tour de USA.  the region of the continental US has yet to be determined, but the decision is made and dates are set!  *i was going to hyperlink something to my first and second cross-country road trip... but there are way too many to choose from, so if you don't know what i am talking about and are absolutely DESPERATE to know more, then just go back and read my blog from the beginning.  you won't be sorry, our trips are full of danger, adventure, action, humor, folly aaannnnnd... feats of strength.

so, even with all that great news... things have been rough in other, more personal ways.  it has been a time where i have had to really do some hard work in figuring out who i am vs. who God wants me to be.  and that is never pretty, especially when the raw material being examined is my haggard heart.  i have realized that i have zero boundaries.  well, that is actually completely untrue.  i have some pretty solid boundaries, i just let them be violated by anyone who pushes.  i don't know what happened to me, but somewhere along the road i developed a guilt-complex that has somehow convinced me that i can never say "no" to people.  even when i really want to, or when my boundaries have been completely violated... i just can't hold firm.  i have always been pretty sassy and strong and full of gumption... but when it comes to somebody i love pushing back on a boundary, i cave every time.  ugh.  i'm a total embarrassment of a jellyfish.

this is not just with one person, but several people, it just takes on different forms.  so, it stops here and now. i needed to get to a point where i had been stretched so thin from allowing this to happen in my relationships, that i would get my gumption back.  well, here it is ladies and gentlemen!  i am done.  i have way too many kids to get sucked dry by other people in my life!  i have become so depleted that i feel like i barely have enough of myself to give to my family.  i am so thankful for each relationship in my life, and i am even thankful for the particularly challenging ones... because God has used them to bring the impurities out of my heart, and whenever you see the crap rise to the surface... it doesn't look too pretty, but when the junk is cleared away, what remains is always a purer thing.  and that purer heart is overflowing with many great blessings, namely Jesus and my family.  so, that is where i am starting.  back to the basic middle-school youth group lesson on priorities... God first, family second, everything else comes after that.

i am feeling scared and relieved and guilty for what this "season of redefining" will mean for my current relationships, but i am also feeling excited to allow God to strengthen me and refine me and make me new.  i am looking forward to being on the other end of this season and being able to have normal relationships with people, where i can preserve my boundaries and better protect my time and energy level, so that my best always goes to God first, family second.  and for the first time in a long time, everything else will come after that.

for some time my friend sam has been peer-pressuring me into getting tattoos. again.  her invitation to literally write a reminder where i can see it at all times came at the perfect time.  so, i did it.  i wrote myself a little reminder that this is a new season, and that God requires me to be a new person.  in my own handwriting, in a place i can see it at all times... i wrote myself a little note to remind myself of 2 corinthians 5:17, where God promises that "if anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation" where "the old is gone, and the new has come."  one translation says "behold! all things become new!"  that. is. it.

all things new.  

new relationships, new energy level, new boundaries, new hope, new patience, new grace, new discipline, new life.  talk about your makeover... yes. please.

mystery baby - adoption update

i am happy to report that we are making significant progress with the adoption of baby #5, also known as 'our mistry baby.'  we have submitted all the necessary paperwork, and saved/raised enough money to pay for the next step.  this puts us at the halfway point financially, we still have to come up with approximately $8,000, which is due at the time of placement.  if we cannot raise enough money by that time, we will have to take out a low-interest adoption loan in order to bring our child home.  we paid off our first adoption loan just this past year, so we are really praying that we can raise the funds necessary to avoid another loan repayment.

the next step is completing our home assessment, which will likely take place in the next 1-2 weeks!  this is very exciting because that is are last major step.  after that, we just have a few loose ends (physicals, fingerprints, etc.) to finish up while we are considered a "waiting family."  the length of time that a family will wait varies significantly.  if birthparents choose us right away, and the child has already been born... things can move pretty fast.  if it takes a while for us to be chosen, and the child is not yet born... the wait can be several months, or even years.  we have zero control over how quickly we are chosen (short of photoshopping us into j.c. penny's catologs so our family profile makes us look like we have perfect lives), so we are simply going to trust the lord to bring our family to completion at the perfect time.

since it could go as fast or as slow as one could imagine, i thought i would re-post a blog i wrote a long time  on adoption do's and don'ts, where i address some frequently asked adoption questions.  if this doesn't cover it, the best advice i can give is this:  google it.  or don't.  but whatever you do, please do NOT ask me (or any other mother) these heavy, personal questions right in front of my children!  i know children are short, but typically they can hear.  and my kids, in particular, are brilliant, so they know exactly what you are talking about... even if you don't.

i hope that the re-post serves as a little refresher course on dealing with families who are formed through the beautiful thing that is adoption.  we are so thankful to all of are amazing friends and family (and perfect strangers) who have supported our adoption journey... again.  tom and i are really bad at asking for and receiving help from others, but we have learned a lot about allowing God to bless us through people.  it is amazing and wonderful, and very uncomfortable if i am being honest.  but, we couldn't bring home our mistry baby without help... so, we will continue to scrimp, save and hover above the poverty line, while we accept whatever support you all can spare.  

i hope to have another update very soon! 

there's this guy who's in love with me.

it is not easy for me to write that sentence up there.  i don't understand all the ins and outs of it... but i am keenly aware that it is unusually difficult for me to say that i am loved.  i know that there are plenty of people in my life who care about me and would do anything for me if i asked.  and there are even some particular people who genuinely love me just the way that i am.  still, i am secretly afraid that if i were to actually name them here and now, those same people would flog me publicly.  *i don't actually know what it means to "flog" an individual, but i am pretty sure it is what they do to fozzy bear in 'muppets go to hollywood.'  in order to flog another, there has to be a lot of throwing lettuce on a stage, i think.

i know that none of my loved ones would really ever throw lettuce at me, just for saying that i think they love me.  however, i have always had this fear that if i make a declaration of certainty about any relationship... that everything i think to be true will blow up in my face and i will have been bamboozled in a serious way.  it's as if i believe that if i avoid ever being vulnerable enough to say that someone loves me, then i can also avoid the  suffering and humiliation that comes when you find out that, in actuality, they do not.  i realized this was a serious problem when i would not even say out loud that God loved me.  primarily because i did not fully believe it to be true.

i once had a college roommate tell me that Jesus probably didn't love my singing voice.  but, other than that... i had no reason to believe that Jesus had anything against me in particular.  (aside from my obvious, heinous sin nature that is.)  so, why couldn't i feel loved by God?  other heinous sinners seemed to bask in the love of God, why couldn't i?  

i honestly have no real point here.

it's just that the other day, i was driving in the car, feeling very sad, and i was listening to a secular love song about how the singer will make everything okay, and will be there to show the listener all this love.  and right when i was about to dry heave, something hit me for the first time, i really believed that Jesus was trying very hard to say "hey, you. i really love you.  and all these words are cheesy and unrealistic as far as romantic love goes... but I died and then I came back to life and I did that for you.  and I can do things like that because I am God... so, i think that i can handle loving you.  stop protecting yourself, I can take it from here thank you very much.  but, keep it down with all the singing.  just kidding, you belt it out baby."

this made me realize two things.  i will list them below.

1. Heaven might be a little bit like the 6th grade, in that i still had a nice singing voice at that time.  it wasn't until the 7th grade that i recorded myself singing a gospelly version of amazing grace on my answering machine taper and realized how horrific my voice was.  the 7th grade is more like hell as far as singing voices go.  but in heaven, they're all a bunch of 6th graders up there lovin' every minute of my jams.
2. Jesus is seriously wild about me.  

now, i realize how stupid and ridiculous it sounds to say that i believe that God literally came down from heaven, became a little baby Jesus-God, who grew up to be rejected and tortured and executed just so He could push me out of line at the gates of hell.  i know that it is crazy to believe that Jesus is speaking to me through the theme song from the movie hope floats.   i know that sounds crazy.  it IS crazy!  but, i actually believe all of that.  and i am so thankful that i do.  because in Him, there is hope.  there is hope that someone like me could be loved!  there is hope that God can redeem the cheesiest of songs, and also my wicked soul.  there is hope that i can be vulnerable in my relationships without fear of being flogged.  and there is even hope that somebody out there in the universe could love my singing voice.  

and if that isn't proof that there is an all-loving Creator ... i seriously don't know what is.