All the Days: Catching Up on Kindness

Have you ever failed at something so thoroughly and for so long that when it’s time to stop failing you’re like, “Nah, it’s cool. I don’t even mind being a failure…” No? That isn’t how you operate? Well congratulations on being an adult or whatever, but I cannot relate. I have been sitting in front of this blank screen forEVER and I would just prefer to fail at updating this blog. I mean, it feels a little late to do anything else at this point, doesn’t it?

I used to blog literally every single day for the month of October. Then I did it on weekdays but gave myself a break for weekends. This year, I’ve blogged like three times total, put out a couple podcasts and spent the rest of the month traveling and speaking about #AdamsActs and the impact that intentional kindness can have on strangers, relationships and the world. It’s not a total failure, but when I look at the sheer lack of writing completed this month, and frankly in the past year, I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed.

Despite this fact, I HAVE been faithful in extending intentional acts of kindness toward others. For brevity’s sake, I am going to make a quick list of #AdamsActs that I have been doing while traveling and in the couple days I’ve been home between trips. Hopefully, you’ll get some ideas for yourself from this list!

• Gave apples and candy to toll booth operators.

• Attempted to give apples and candy to customs officials at the border of US and Canada (bringing produce across the border is frowned upon, and trying to give it to border patrol is a little bit of a crime. Must not duplicate.)

• Bought a movie ticket for a stranger at this cool movie theater in Massachusetts.

• Helped promote my friend’s new book: Women Reading with Cats.

• Bought a copy of Women Reading with Cats for my kids.

• Bought a copy of Women Reading with Cats for my cat-loving friend, Claire, and her cats. (I’m lookin’ at you, Shrimps & the gang).

• Left a great review of Women Reading with Cats on Amazon because all recipients loved the book. And I really want to support the mission of the publishing company.

• Spoke at a youth event, and then spent time listening to the students as they entrusted me with their own stories of great loss.

• Put pasta and meatballs in cups for an on-the-go dinner for youth group kiddos.

• I helped someone arrange a surprise for someone else.

• Gave 7 free haircuts to friends and family.

• I bought cozy socks to donate for the Socktober Sock Drive at my girls’ high school. The socks are supposed to go directly to the homeless population (socks can be a critical part of surviving winters in Upstate New York.) The students are encouraged to wear crazy socks in October… so it sort of makes sense why my daughters opened “the new socks I bought them.” Basically, we now owe the homeless people a bunch of socks.

• I attended a writer’s conference and made sure to thank each breakout session speaker, and I signed up for all their newsletters and followed them on social media. It’s how writers grow their audience, so I did it even though I hate newsletters.

• I didn’t throatpunch the guy who excessively mansplained TO THE SPEAKER during the session SHE was hired to teach. (This one I actually regret and would like to retroactively go back and punch him a little - or at least SAY something in the moment, because I think that would have been a greater kindness to the very qualified session leader.)

• I spent time encouraging writers I met throughout the weekend. One woman from California wants to start a podcast, so I told her everything I have learned since starting the Master of Fun podcast (which is not much, but I also offered to stay in touch and keep her encouraged.)

• I loudly raved about Women Reading with Cats in an effort to subliminally peer pressure conference attendees to purchase a copy. A bonus was that my behavior embarrassed my friend, (and author of Women Reading with Cats), Heather.

• During the lunch break on the second day of the conference, I invited a stranger to get lunch with me and I treated.

• I spoke at a corporate event downtown Detroit, that I sort of felt like I bombed, so this was neither a kindness to the clients that hired me, nor those in attendance. Something happened and I got totally stuck in my head and felt nervous the entire time I was speaking which does not generally happen. Typically, I am quite nervous BEFORE I speak… but rarely DURING, so I have no way of assessing how it really went. But, I really liked everyone I met, and decided to trust that I made a positive impact despite the possibility that I completely blew it. Basically, not obsessing about how it went is a kindness to myself.

• I used Facebook Live to broadcast (in an embarrassing fashion as always) my daughter’s cross country race, it was the county championships and I try to do that as a kindness to friends and family who live out of town. It was such an exciting race and my daughter, Annalee, ended up being the Monroe County Champion by two tenths of a second!

• After the race, I hosted Annalee’s whole team for a sleepover. I made treats and snacks, and helped get the house ready for all her friends to come over and not think that we are hoarders. I also bought a bunch of breakfast stuff for the morning, and sent one friend home with lunch and a pan of rice krispy treats for her family.

• I encouraged and listened to a friend who is going through some personal struggles.

• I said all my compliments out loud, and not just in my mind.

• Every time I go through a check out line I buy a candy bar or little gift for the cashier.

• That started feeling a bit predictable, so we upped our game and started surprising the cashiers in neighboring aisles as well. And most recently, Harper and I bought flowers and candy for the cashier. She was very surprised and delighted, and it was a really sweet moment. I cried a little.

• I sent a message to writer and speaker, Beth Moore, which felt so ridiculous and is not something I would generally do. However, she has continually been the target of ridicule by men who are supposedly Christian leaders. This is a whole other blog post in the works, but for now… suffice it to say I didn’t feel comfortable not speaking up about it and passing along all the compassion in the world. What she experienced was gross, and it makes my skin crawl and stay tuned because once kindness month is over… on deck: all my rage and angst about this!

• I provided the nurse at the elementary school with Tru Colour bandages. When our kids with black and brown skin get scraped up on the playground, someone slaps a white-people bandaid on their little brown knee and calls it a day. Ace bandages are for white people, all the bandages you can buy conveniently and affordably at any store, are for white people. The options for black adults at the store? White-people bandaids. And if you don’t like a big peach bandage on your dark brown skin… you can choose between what? Trolls and emojis? Can you imagine walking into a board meeting with a Doc McStuffins bandaid on your thumb? No, because that’s ridiculous. I think people of color deserve bandages that blend in with their skin just like the white kids. Without paying more, and without having to special order them on the internet. Yet, in general, what is available for our kids - regardless of their skin tone - are white-people bandaids. Well, not anymore, at least not at Briarwood Elementary!

• I’ve politely requested at each store I go into to speak with a manager, and have asked that they consider stocking Tru Colour bandages on their shelves. It’s a small thing that all of us can do. If we all DID do this, I bet we could get an appropriate and diverse selection of bandages convenient and accessible for all people.

• We published three podcast episodes - you can catch up on these HERE. As a kindness to the world, my mom (The Original Hurricane Sandi) makes a guest appearance, as does my sister, BethAnn. My sister, Kristin, also did an interview but our audio was, sadly, so horrible it proved unusable. :( Kristin’s fan base was so devastated that we ended up filling in with an episode about how to find a good therapist. These episodes are so hilarious, are my favorite and a must listen!

• I’ve been intentional about using social media to encourage teenage girls.

• Tipping generously, even more than normal.

• Got started with painting the nursery for my friend, Lexi, and her little baby, Malik, who will be coming home from the NICU in the next couple of weeks.

• Struck up conversation with strangers when they seemed like they could use a pick-me-up and friendly conversation.

• Left a note and small gift card at a coffee shop and asked the barista to pass it along to the next mom who had kids-in-tow, that seemed a little frazzled.

• Sent an uplifting playlist to a friend who is feeling blue.

• Continually prayed for someone I hurt that has not forgiven me.

There you have it! A bunch of random and pre-planned acts of kindness that I hope give you some good ideas for how to finish out the rest of the month. It has been a weird month for me. Full transparency… it’s been a weird 38 years actually. Still, I feel good. I feel like I have done what I can do. And even though I haven’t written as much as I would have liked, I feel like I chose the better thing in the moment. Instead of keeping on top of the blog, I spent actual, uninterrupted quality time with my nieces and nephews when I was in Michigan. When I got home between speaking events and my six year old son said he felt “mom sick” from my being away so much this month… I didn’t say “I’m almost done with the busy season, bud, and I promise we will catch up in November!” I just played with him and snuggled and read him books. I let myself “fail” as a blogger in order to win as a mom.

If there is one thing I feel like this year of #AdamsActs has taught me, it’s that you can’t have it all, you can’t DO it all. And you shouldn’t have to. And most importantly, I don’t think anyone else expects us to. I don’t think anyone really cares all that much. And there is a lot of freedom in realizing that I am the only one who expects me to be perfect.

This whole movement started out because the world lost a really kind boy. Every scarecrow cookie baked, each compliment given, every note of encouragement, and each brown bandage puts a little of that lost kindness back into the world. It’s not about doing big things, or being creative… it’s about being steadfast in the small moments of connection that are made between two human beings. It’s about taking every opportunity to really SEE people, to extend kindness when you could just as easily not. It’s about a shift in the grieving process… from allowing grief to swell into something incapacitating and all-consuming, to understanding that even when we grieve, we can allow God to swell our hearts and make room for others. It’s about doing what we can, when we can. It’s not about having it all or doing it all or transforming any one person with a candy bar and flowers… it’s about being the one that is transformed.

Days 7-11: Sugarcoating Life

People show love with sugar. In general, I am aware that this can be problematic… but it is what we do. We give people candy and chocolates when we’re in love, we bake cookies for someone who’s just had a baby, we buy tubs of ice cream for a friend who’s down in the dumps…. but not only do we bring actual sugar to people we love, we use sugary language as terms of endearment. Honey, sweetie, sugar, muffin, cupcake, sweetie pie, buttercup, sweetheart or my personal favorite that my brother-in-law, Dan, calls my sister: Poptart. She hates it. But, also, low-key loves it.

We use sugar and sugary words to show our affection and our attachment. It’s why, since the beginning of time, grandparents have always shown up to track meets with Little Debbies. They want to show their love. I learned a little bit about this relationship between love and sweets when my oldest son was diagnosed with something called Reactive Attachment Disorder. This happens when a child experiences trauma or a traumatic separation in the early years of their life, and it compromises their ability to bond and attach in a typical way. Whether it is a result of abuse, neglect, in-utero drug or alcohol exposure, or it is merely the result of the tragic separation of a mother and her child, or how a developing baby is impacted by stress hormones during a pregnancy that will ultimately end with a severed bond, children with insecure attachment have a sort of sense-memory that tells them that they are unlovable, that they will be left.

It is not uncommon for a child with attachment disorder to sneak, steal and hoard food. This is a child’s way of providing for themselves because there is an innate distrust that anyone else will provide for them. The insecure child says to himself, “If I am unlovable, then how can I trust that anyone will care to meet my needs? I will attempt to meet them myself. Ooooo look… mints!” It’s a really hard cycle to break, especially with our cultural association between food and love. A child that is sneaking food is often trying to provide love for themselves that they are afraid they won’t get from someone else, or that they feel they don’t deserve. This is a heartbreaking cycle for a child, or an adult, and is very difficult to sort through.

There are some attachment therapists who recommend sitting down with your child over an endless bowl of ice cream. Day in and day out, just keep refilling the ice cream, as many scoops as the child wants, without any limits, until the child decides that it’s enough. It often takes weeks, even months and sometimes years, for a child to decide, “I’m full. Of both love, and ice cream. I don’t need more scoops right now, because I trust that there is always more. More love… more ice cream.” Other therapists recommend using sugar to recreate the bond that happens when a new mother is nursing her baby. It is recommended that you cradle your child - of any age, even teenagers - in your arms like an infant, and you give them something sweet to suck on (like a caramel) while maintaining eye contact, much like the experience that is taking place when a baby is breastfeeding. The logic behind this method is that the child re-learns how to trust that the new parent will provide love and sustenance.

If you’re horrified by this, then you probably only have experience with neurotypical children, how quaint. But also, how sad… because our less typical kids are awesome! Trust me when I tell you that you’re really missing out! And if these approaches seem too indulgent or wacky, then maybe you could consider yourself fortunate to have been spared from experiencing unrequited love with your child, but also, consider the misfortune of never having loved a child so much that you would do wacky things just to prove your love to them! It’s a messy process, but there is nothing sweeter than watching your child develop that bond of trust over time, and look at you say, “Thanks, mama… I’m full.”

For my #AdamsActs the past few days, I caved on the sugar = love notion and it was basically Treatfest ‘19. For Day 7, we brought mini-muffins and cupcakes to my oldest daughter’s cross country meet, for her and her coaches and teammates to enjoy.

These two are world’s cutest pastry deliverers of all time…even though my son, Harper, is dressed like a California raisin.

Jay’s act of kindness was this adorable photobomb, and your act of kindness is indulging my mombrag moment where I tell you about my daughter Annalee and her bud, Candace. These two SOPHOMORES took first and second place at quite a large invitational. Annalee ran 3.1 miles in 19:07 (for perspective, that was about a full minute ahead of the 3rd place finisher.) The girls work so hard and compete in a way that makes each other better runners and I am so proud! Annnnnd I also think that female athletes are under-recognized in our public schools and in the world at large, and the focus and funding generally goes toward boys programs like football, k, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

For Day 8, we spread more love-in-the-form-of-sugar when we brought frosted cookies to my daughter, Marlie, and her tennis team to enjoy after their match. Despite the fact that Marlie tried out for tennis because “she liked the sound the ball makes when it hits the racket,” and this is only her second season ever playing tennis, she was asked to move up to varsity. This was exciting as a freshman and basically, cookies all around.

For Day 9, I chaperoned my daughter’s field trip and I brought a snack for the whole class and a coffee for Miss Stuebing because she is not only a world class teacher, but she has gone on that exact same field trip upwards of 8,000 times. I thought my daughter, London, and her 4th grade classmates deserved a little treat, because they have set a super high goal for the month of October - to complete 317 acts of kindness as a class! They are already about halfway there!

My cutie is in the tie-die rain jacket and glasses.

For Day 11, I wrote a three page letter to a friend of my daughter’s who has gone through some challenges in the past year. She is a fighter and she has inspired me with her persistent attitude and her quiet leadership. I wrote the letter because I wanted her to feel seen and encouraged. And because I wanted to remind her that “I am a cool mom.” A reminder which I did include, word for word, in the letter.

And finally, I bought this kid a donut after his audiology test. This is sort of a tradition, so not really an act of kindness, however…after a thorough investigation of his bone-dry toothbrush, it was discovered that the plaintiff did in fact lie about about brushing his teeth. The defendant served a 10 minute sentence on his bed before giving a tearful confession and apology. When I took him to get the donut after his appointment, he started crying again in the parking lot. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he thought maybe he shouldn’t have the donut because he had “lied so much” about brushing his teeth and “maybe sugar wasn’t a fair idea of his behavior.” I think this was his attempt at a plea deal? But, I explained love and forgiveness. I explained that when he did his “do-over” and told the truth and then went to brush his teeth (for realzos that time)… that I had forgiven him. And when you forgive someone, you choose not to keep remembering that offense. I - instead - choose grace, and love, and donuts. This was his face when I put the donut in his hand and said, “no matter what happens, no matter what you do, I will always love you, I will always forgive you, and there will always be lots love and treats, and plenty of second chances to do it over the right way.”

After that, Jay called his donut his “grace gift.”

Even though Jay never struggled with attachment like my older son has (trust me, this is the kid that proposes to me daily) there is still something inside of all of us, adopted or not, that is afraid that we might blow it, that we might mess up enough that everyone will discover that we are unlovable and unforgivable. That’s when we all need forgiveness and a grace-gift… maybe in the form of a do-over a little sugar.

Day 4-6: Showered with Love (& a Little Revenge)

My best friend had a baby the size of a Chipotle burrito. (Seriously, I Googled it.)

He was 1 pound 9 ounces. Which is one cilantro-dusting away from twinning with a Chipotle burrito.

And while he was not due until the end of this month, Malik James Bolding was born in July at just 25 weeks, thanks to a severe case of preeclampsia turned HELLP Syndrome. Basically, Lexi’s blood pressure and liver enzymes skyrocketed, her platelets plummeted and she developed severe fluid retention in her legs, and eventually her whole body. It was terribly frightening for her… and frankly, some of the most terrifying few days of my life.

Lex is farm stock, so she remained calm even as they transferred her by ambulance from one hospital to the next “just in case” she were to have a micropreemie.

Lexi’s husband, Ben, and I are a little less farm stock, but not unfamiliar with trauma so we stuffed all our feelings with cookies and hilarious jokes to keep Lexi laughing and in good spirits. Still, we were both on edge about what this could mean for Lexi and the baby.

If they kept the baby in until he was strong enough to survive, then Lexi could die. If they took the baby to get Lex out of the danger zone… the baby could die. It was an impossible line for the medical team to walk. For both of them to survive, timing was crucial. It felt like there was this impossible sweet spot, and every minute that passed Lexi was getting sicker, but the baby was simply not ready. He was small, even for his gestational age. And he was a boy, which means that lung development was lagging a bit compared to if he were a girl. It felt like all the factors were against them, except for the fact that we have a big, gracious God that held that little boy and his mama every step of the way.

After multiple days in three different hospitals, they gave Lexi a series of steroid shots to boost Malik’s lung development in utero, and once Lexi’s symptoms had become so severe that they could not afford to wait any longer, they induced labor. Due to a number of factors, labor did not progress as they’d hoped and they ultimately opted for an emergency c-section. When they wheeled Lexi away to prep her for the surgery, Ben and I got dressed in our scrubs and we waited. I told him that no matter how impossible it was to believe now, that a day would come that he would love this little creature (that was rapidly killing his wife) so much that he would die for him. We talked and waited and we made a plan. He would go into surgery with Lexi, and when they took the baby out, he would go with the baby to the NICU and I would stay with Lex for the rest of the surgery. He was terrified. He didn’t want to leave her side, neither of us wanted the baby to be alone, and Lexi was high as a kite and forgot why were all hanging out in the first place.

I stayed with Lexi while they completed her surgery, and stood close, holding her hand and trying to comfort her as she tremored and seized. I made silent promises to her that if the unthinkable happened, I would put a stop to my speaking career that requires traveling, vowing to stay home and take care of this baby just as she would. I begged God to protect them both and as I laid my cheek against hers and prayed, I watched her blood pressure go down and felt her tremors begin to still. I saw a lot of my bff that day, and I can officially say that I know that girl (quite literally) inside and out and I love her to pieces.

I will never forget the moment I laid eyes on that little miracle. My kids have grown up with their Uncle Ben and Aunt Lexi showering them with love, gifts and special experiences. I knew that I would love her baby… I did. But, I didn’t know that my little speech about Ben’s willingness to die for Malik would also apply to me. I fell in instalove with this tiny baby.

When little Malik came into the world, everything changed for Ben and Lexi. They spend long hours in the NICU and will continue to until Malik is strong enough to come home. Malik is now over 4 pounds and is getting bigger and stronger every day! We are hoping that he will be home around his due date, but he is still on respiratory support so it will more likely be in November. But, much of my kindness for days 4-6 went to this little family.

First, I brought Lexi and my daughter, Annalee, to lunch. Getting her out of the hospital for short bits of respite is really important.

I also had an outfit intervention and forced Lexi to go shopping to buy some actual human clothes to wear to her baby shower that we were throwing on Saturday. I introduced her to high-waisted jeans which is not only on trend, but is a gift and act of kindness to the post-partum body. Muffin tops everywhere rejoiced when high-waisted pants finally made their return to the runways. While we were out and about, shopping for food and decorations for her shower, we had some excellent customer service. As an act of kindness, I decided to ask for the manager so I could compliment how friendly and helpful the employee was. They sent me to Brandy. Brandy was the manager. Brandy was also the employee I was trying to compliment. So, that was cool.
And finally, I threw a baby shower with Lexi’s sisters-in-law. We had adorable decorations, lots of fun treats and food. It was all done out of love for Lexi and this little miracle baby that has stolen our hearts.

I know that none of these acts of kindness were particularly “random” (except when I told Brandy that Brandy was great at her job), but intentional acts of kindness toward the people we love… that counts too. And if nothing else, I will share this absurd picture of Lex as a bit of revenge for all the embarrassing pictures she is posting of me as her #AdamsActs since she is trapped in the NICU with nothing to do besides humiliate her most devoted friends.

Day 2 & 3: On Sacred Ground

As October approached this year, I found myself anticipating #AdamsActs and thinking, “Ya know, I really miss just… grieving.” That is certainly not to say that I don’t absolutely love spreading Adam’s legacy of kindness with all of you, because of course I do. Very much. Still, I often feel pressure build as October draws near and sometimes it feels like a lot. Last year, I was very sick and did not realize how serious it was. I had been putting myself on the back burner and ignoring symptoms for about two years, when last October was a breaking point for my body, which I officially ran into the ground. I mean that literally. My kids found me passed out on the actual living room floor. Not a cute look. This means that I am almost one year cancer-free, and it also means that mama is back on the priority list. SO, this year… I am committed to staying healthy and alive, and also to having SO MUCH FUN.

While the grieving part of October isn’t exactly a good time, it’s also not just contained to October. We all know that grief comes in waves at the most unexpected times. On birthdays and anniversaries, sure… but it also comes when you’re at the dentist office and you see a sailboat wallpaper border that looks just like the one in your brother’s childhood bedroom. Grief happens all year long. But #AdamsActs is only here for 31 days, and I intend to enjoy every last one of them. This means that I’m going to do things a bit differently. I will blog, podcast, post photos, stories and videos to Facebook and Instagram. Basically, I’m gonna be all over the place and we will all find out at the same time what I’m going to do next because I ALSO don’t know what on earth I am going to do. (This month - or in life.)

I want to utilize these different platforms so that I can reach a varied audience, but more than that… because it’s super fun, easy and sustainable. And sustainable keeps me off that living room floor.

My first few days of kindness have really been about creating momentum with #AdamsActs and sharing my story, my self with others. I spoke at two different college events - at RIT and MCC - and there I talked about grief and redemption, and how kindness has been a vehicle through which God has brought healing into my life. I did a few small things - I made a smoothie for my daughter, Marlie, who was home sick from school, and spent time painting her nails and talking with her when I really needed to do a million other things. I didn’t burn any of my 6 year-old son’s Pokemon trading cards even though just typing that sentence makes me want to put these nerd badges right down the garbage disposal… because they are everywhere. And they are so dumb. But I didn’t, and I think that’s the part we should all focus on.

Finally, I overcame a big fear and I shared a photo and a piece of my story that I have kept very private. My friend Siobhan is not only an incredibly talented photographer, but she is a voice of grace in my life these days. So when she invited me to participate in a photo campaign to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I decided to step outside of myself in hopes that my experience could help someone else. Siobhan asked all her subjects to share what they wish they’d known when they lost their baby. She captured my quote in photo form in a way that I find magical.

"Name them. Our lost babies - no matter how small they were, no matter the circumstances of their life, or death - our babies deserve a name. And we, as mothers, deserve the freedom to say that name out loud. If we have nothing to hold in our hands to remember them by, at least we know they’ve been given a name."

I thought it may be a bit of a stretch to consider this an act of kindness, but that’s only because I was unprepared for the response. Mother after mother saying their baby’s names. Women finally giving their baby a name after 30 years of grieving for their little ones. It was beautiful. My friend Therese described the post and comments as “sacred ground.” That is truly how it feels to hear a mother utter her late child’s name, in some cases for the first time.

So, this post and these first 3 days of #AdamsActs are dedicated to the following beautiful angel babies, whose names are so powerful they make this sacred ground:

Sydney

Chance

Brandon

Steven Ross

Alexander James

Ezra

Evelyn Grace

Jesse, Taylor & Callie

Penelope

Zoe Grace

Caleb

Jersey Sue

Emma Lee

Shae Kristine

Poppyseed & Zoey

Naarya Celeste

Rhuhamah

Faith Ellen

Grace Elayne

Brooke Hope

Tuck & Ted

Jessie

Sunshine

Maylee

Annalyse Hope

Jonathan

Ava Leah, Luca Benedict & Jacob Leonard

Rylie

Quinn James

Justin Caden

Emma Rose

Peanut & Laia Marie

Levi Joshua

Joseph Levias

Shiloh

Julian & Cameron

Tobias Joseph

Laila & Leo

Jordan & Riley

Tinkerbell, Benjamin, Armando & Marisol

Zion Glory

Melva Lucinda

Taidgh

Two tiny boys named Josiah - one was my mother’s, and would have been my brother.

And one was my own, and would have been my son.