Day 24-26: Exhausted Acts of Kinda-ness

In the past couple of weeks I have been traveling like it’s my job. Usually it is, but this time it’s because @annaleecapuano and I went to San Francisco for an official college visit as a track and cross country recruit. Then I left for a conference in NYC and from there I got my friend Melissa up at 2:30am so I could take a $27 flight out of New Jersey to Atlanta for the next college visit. Tom and Annalee drove down, so I caught up with them to tour the Atlanta campus of SCAD -Savannah College of Art and Design, and then the Savannah campus.

It was a jam packed trip with academic and athletic tours and meetings with both coaches, all the while trying to navigate some feelings with one kid, making decisions and scheduling appointments back home for Jay who had a cold and therefore needed a Covid test, and about Harper potentially needing surgery. Remember that tiny hairline fracture on his elbow…? Well, it’s going through a wide open growth plate and apparently that’s a bad thing that may require surgery.

It’s a strange thing as a mom being away from your kids. You’re never really away. It’s sometimes hard to be present when you have five kids sprinkled in different states, facing different challenges, and pursuing different dreams. So, I’m super behind on posting my #adamsacts but Day 24, I happily gave up my seat on the airport train for an older man who worked at the airport and looked visibly exhausted. Day 25, Harper and I did a virtual speaking panel about “Colorblind Racism” for 540WMain, Inc. which is devoted to antiracist eduction. We were mid-drive between Atlanta & Savannah so I had to prep Harper on the drive, then stop in Macon, Georgia and set up at a random library for two hours in the middle of our drive. For my act of kindness, I donated the speaking honorarium to their scholarship fund which makes antiracist education and resources accessible to any and all interested people. Day 26 I don’t think I did anything kind honestly, except maybe getting up at 5:30am to drive back to NY in time for Annalee to make it to practice? That’s kinda kind, right?

I am exhausted, grateful, overwhelmed and waaaaaay behind on my work and life. But, we are in the October home stretch! ❤️ #JesusTakeTheWholeCar

Day 22 & 23: Kindness that Saves

Doing 31 acts of kindness in memory of my brother, Adam, began as a way to transform my grief about his sudden and violent death into something beautiful and positive. I wanted my life to glorify God and I wanted to honor Adam’s legacy of kindness. I have spent the last ten years teaching about the transformational and redemptive power of kindness as expressed to us by God, through Christ. In Ephesians 2, there is a section of scripture that speaks of death - a type of spiritual death and separation from the one who created us. It goes on to talk about how we become alive through God’s grace which is expressed “IN HIS KINDNESS to us in Christ Jesus.”

Those of us who claim to follow Jesus cannot afford to be unkind. It is the crux of our faith, that God was kind. Kindness is not just niceties and pleasantries, kindness is salvific.

I spent Day 22 and 23 in NYC at a GAP Community training on Transformational Leadership. It was one of the most intense, fully immersive experiences of kindness I’ve ever experienced. It was full truth, and total love. It was the sort of kindness that gives life, the sort of kindness that saves people.

I can’t pinpoint specific acts of kindness during these two days, necessarily, but I showed up fully engaged, totally transparent and I fell completely in love with every person I met. I listened and held their stories with reverence and honor, I gave and received affirmation and redemptive feedback (and maaaaybe peppered in some jokes). I grew and I believe I supported others’ growth as well. It felt like spiritual life being breathed back into me. It felt like the type of love, truth, grace and kindness that saves.

#adamsacts

Days 18 & 19: Haircut, Aunt Duty and Adoption Prevention

I wasn’t sure how #AdamsActs would go this year. I started the month feeling run down and a bit sad. But, for some reason this year has been one of my favorites. Maybe shifting toward the podcast and microblogging has been a helpful change… or maybe because last year I failed so miserably at posting daily that the bar is just super low. 😂 Either way, I have enjoyed this year and have been so grateful for how many have reached out and shared touching stories about Adam.

Tonight was senior night for cross country. My daughter @annaleecapuano is a 17 year old senior this year and I keep thinking about all the special moments my parents experienced with Adam when he was a 17 year old senior. They were filling out FAFSA forms and helping him submit his transcripts, essays and college applications. As sad as it will be for my kid to go off to college… what a happy ending to her childhood. What a gift that will be, God willing, for her to leave home and live a full and beautiful life. Adam’s death makes me savor each race, each special occasion, each late night spent talking into the wee hours of morning even more than I might had I not lost a brother at this exact age. So, posting incessantly about my children and their challenges and achievements is because I am so incredibly grateful to have these loves of my life and I know intimately the pain I would endure if I no longer had the gift of them.

My acts of kindness for #Day18 were bringing muffins (Marlie’s favorite!) to her whole tennis team and coach to congratulate them on an amazing season. Also, babysitting Malik for a couple of days as well as #Day19 a free haircut for Malik’s dad @bjbold 💇🏾‍♂️(he brings us dinner every time I give him a haircut, so it’s actually the most expensive free haircut in history.)

I also met some practical needs in a sensitive situation, and it was my great joy to do so. To the two people who entrusted me with money to use toward #adamsacts this year, I think you’d both be pleased to know that your generosity is helping keep a family together, housed and fed. Despite being an adoptive mom, I am actually not pro-adoption… I’m pro-adoption PREVENTION, that’s what this was. ❤️

Ben and Malik

Day 17: Figure Four & Forgiveness

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this story before, but when I was about 9 or 10 my family was in Detroit at my Grandma June’s house, for our regular Christmas Eve visit. Adam and I were wrestling (always) and he had me - in my Christmas dress - in a figure four. If you don’t know what that wrestling move is, consider yourself lucky. I was frustrated that my tights were twisting and I started panic-squirming to get free, when he didn’t let me up immediately I got hot and frustrated and said, “I hate you!” He immediately released me and I watched the playful light in his eyes turn into sadness. He wasn’t harsh but he did get very serious and calmly said, “Never say that to anyone you love.” That was it. He tousled my sweaty head and walked away like nothing happened. That was the one and only time I ever said that to Adam and of course I didn’t know it at the time, but that would be one of my last holidays spent with him. It has remained my most prominent Christmas memory of Adam and I hated *myself* for saying that for many years after he died.

My brother taught me the art of forgiveness. He showed me that a man could be soft, understanding and gentle. He taught me to express love and not hate. For #Day17 of #AdamsActs I sent a long overdue letter to someone that I have genuinely hated. It was not something I did for myself, it was very much out of kindness for them. As I wrote this letter expressing hard-earned forgiveness, I thought of my sweet brother who is #forever17 and that moment when he looked so shocked and saddened that his feisty little sister had quite literally gotten her panties in a bunch.

He held a world of love and wisdom inside him for such a young kid. I’m thankful that he didn’t hold grudges and that he taught me not only how to forgive others, but how to forgive myself.

Day 16: I Like Big Bundts

These cuties had an amazing race day down in Poughkeepsie today, so #day16 of #AdamsActs was driving a total of 10 hours round trip and offering a ride to my friend Kristen because her car was totaled. Our kids crushed the race and can we just talk about how grueling the sport of cross country is?? This is a TOUGH and hilly course, but their hard work and discipline is paying off in every race. My daughter, Annalee, placed 15th out of almost a hundred girls and Kristen’s daughter, Aubrey, came in 19th… as a freshman.🤯 So proud of them both!

My other act of kindness was buying many mini bundt cakes and forcing Kristen to choose and eat one. What can I say? I like big bundts and I cannot lie, but the mini ones I can’t deny… and I stand by my choice to force cakes on my friends.

Sometimes when I watch Annalee run, I see her uncle Adam. It’s in the knees. She has the Provençal knees, I think. But, when I watch her run with such fortitude, I see more than his knees… I think I see a little of his spirit too.

Day 14: Being a Friendly Buffalo

Today I was a buffalo.

My friend Jeff told me about this phenomenon that takes place in the Colorado Rockies. When a herd of cows sense a storm coming down over the Rocky Mountains from the west, they turn and run east to try to outrun the storm. The problem is that cows aren’t really all that fast. What ends up happening is that, eventually, the storm catches up with the herd. While the cows try to outrun the storm, they inadvertently run along WITH the storm.

Buffalo do the exact opposite. When they sense a storm coming, they actually turn toward it. And when the storm finally rolls over the ridge from the west, they face it and charge head on. Unlike the cows, who maximize their pain & discomfort trying to avoid the storm, the buffalo accept what IS and they face it, ultimately minimizing their frustration and pain.

Today was tough, but I chose to be a buffalo. I had hard conversations all day. I had to share some challenging perspectives during my meetings with clients, I had to help my daughter prepare to navigate some hard conversations of her own, and I had to finally sit down and confront some things that I couldn’t avoid any longer. Speaking the truth in love is going to have to count as kindness today, because there was a lot of that today.

The reality is that the storm is the same either way. Our reaction to the storm doesn’t change its existence, or its severity, or its power. But it does change our *experience* in the storm. When conflict or heartache is coming, you can be a cow or a buffalo. Neither choice is easy, neither one feels good, and neither one makes the storm move any faster. But when we choose to turn and face it, confronting it head on, our experience with the storms changes drastically.

So today, I was a buffalo. #day14 of #adamsacts was that I turned directly toward the tension and I walked into it. I spoke the truth, and I tried really hard to do it with as much gentleness and love as I possibly could. Storms never feel good. Conflict, challenges, correction… none of those things feel comfortable. But, when hard conversations are necessary, it’s an act of kindness to yourself and the other party to be brave life a buffalo.

Day 12 & 13: Don’t Get Mad, Get Even (Kinder)

#Day12 was our final day of travel back from California. I actually REQUESTED a kindness from a stranger & was shotblocked so hard.😂 @annaleecapuano and I were assigned seats on opposite ends of the plane, so I asked her neighbor to swap seats with me. Both seats were comparable- both aisle seats, both rows full. There would have been virtually no difference for him to swap with me. He refused, citing “I’m already sitting down” as his reason to deny my charming & polite (yet desperate) request to sit with my kid. It was fine. I’m over it. 😒 There were a few no shows & the flight attendant was so friendly & helpful, he let us sit together after all. I really couldn’t understand it. I was thinking about what might prevent this person from brightening someone’s day when it would have cost him absolutely nothing?

It made me sad for him. But it also made me secretly hope a crying toddler would sit behind him and kick his seat for 5 hour. 😬I never said I was perfect.

The good thing is that I felt committed to being extra intentional about being kind while traveling. While a dozen college guys were rushing off the plane, I paused the line to help an older couple get their luggage down and get into the line. I thanked all the flight attendants, the pilot & the folks that bring up the strollers (even though my stroller days are long behind me.) I tried not to think any compliments & instead, I said them out loud.

For #day13 I sent over a little support to a stranger whose windshield was broken & was robbed. I’ve had that happen myself & I still remember when the police officer asked me the value of the purse that had been stolen & how I lied & said “$30” knowing darn well I got it at a thrift store for $6. But, I knew that it was going to be such a pain to cancel all my cards & get a new license & I guess I thought it would help knowing that somewhere, on a tiny piece of paper in a folder in a precinct basement… my purse was given fake value. So, I donated a little something in hopes that it would help her replace her stolen stuff. And also to remind her that even when bad things happen, there are still people out there who recognize her value. #adamsacts

Days 9, 10 &11: A Backlog of Kindnesses and One Loose Backpack

I know I’m behind on posting my #AdamsActs but Annalee and I have had a jam packed recruiting visit in San Francisco. Between the school of fashion design and the impressive track and cross country program, the Academy of Art University has given us a LOT to consider.

Before I left for this trip I was able to complete several acts of kindness. I consider waking up at 3:15am to catch our flight a kindness to my daughter, but apart from that on #day9 I brought three dinners, some salads and cookies to a sweet family who just finally brought their twin baby boys home from the NICU. Things were touch and go for a while, but both boys are beautiful and healthy! They came home with feeding tubes and demanding schedules filled with all the usual selfish baby needs, times two. So, it doesn’t hurt to have a couple quick meals on hand. Unrelated, but coincidentally, I made a donation on #Day10 to the Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome Foundation in honor of my favorite NICU twins and in memory of the beloved little Zoey who passed away due to complications resulting from #ttts.

#Day11 I brought dinner to my NY mom, because she just had surgery and also because she might be one of the kindest, most giving people I know. Plus, she looks smokin’ hot in a neck brace! Love you mama Sue! ❤️❤️

I also bought candy bars for two cashiers and I thought I was doing a good deed when I pulled over on the shoulder to retrieve a lone backpack in the middle of the road. It was on an exit so I had to run back down the curved exit to make the heroic rescue. I thought for sure it fell off the roof of someone’s car like the iPhone I rescued last year - which I saw fly off a car and was still playing music when I found it! Sadly, the backpack was completely emptied and all zippers unzipped as if it had been stolen, pillaged and tossed out the window of the getaway car. I added a picture in case anyone recognizes it, but there was no identification inside. #kindnessfail

Thank you to all who have sent messages, comments and likes. Thanks to all who have done acts of kindness in memory of Adam. Your love and support is an immeasurable kindness to all who knew and loved him.

Days 7 & 8: Catch Me If You Can

I feel like my life is going by at 90 mph. It always feels like that in October, but this year it feels particularly busy. I will be all over the country in the next couple of weeks so please bear with me if I get behind on posting! I have been keeping up with my #adamsacts every day, but it’s not as easy to sit down and write out something thoughtful each night!

For #Day7 I paid for someone’s lunch and for #Day8 Harper and I helped out our sweet friends’ by taking care of their little ladies for the day. Harper is an awesome babysitter and when he freed the frisbee from the tree, we all cheered. These two little peanuts were almost as impressed with Harper as he was with himself. 😆

But in that moment it was easy to see how a little girl could have come to admire her brother as much as I did. When you are tiny and unsure how to get the frisbee out of the proverbial tree, you sometimes look up to the bigger kid who seems so sure and capable and larger than life in those moments. I guess that’s maybe what I miss the most. When I’m looking up at some problem in my life that has me feeling stuck in the tree, and knowing that he would be able to talk me through it, he’d be able to get me down safely, and if I fell I knew he’d catch me.

Day 6: Let Them Eat Pie

My big brother Adam liked pie. Sometimes, every now and then, somebody cares enough to ask me a small, seemingly insignificant question about Adam. When that happens, and I know the answer… I am reminded that he was real. He was my guy. He was my hero and my support, and it’s okay that I still grieve him.

I was quite young when Adam was killed, just a 6th grader, so it’s no wonder that I can’t always remember things about him. I used to feel absolutely desperate to remember the details of him. I’ve lost all memory of his voice. His hands. His mannerisms. It’s taken me about ten minutes to write the last three sentences because I’m writing through tears and - admittedly- denial, because I really don’t want to believe that those memories are lost forever. I don’t want to admit they’re gone because I want to have hope that I will still remember one day.

But, I do remember all the important things about him. That he was funny, and gentle and kind. I also remember some of the small things, like the fact that he liked pie. I remember he enjoyed these little lunch pies my mom would buy from a discount bakery. They were pretty disgusting as far as I can recall, but I know he liked them, so I ate them anyways. Gross pies are cool if your big brother likes them.

So when my friend Alison asked me if Adam liked pies, it was a relief to remember that yes, yes he did like pies. For #day6 I bought a pie from a non-profit bakery whose mission is to “train and employ people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.” Special Touch Bakery is partnering with the fundraising efforts of the Children's Dyslexia Center of Rochester so the proceeds of each pie will help mitigate costs of tutoring.

Literacy is currently an issue of equity. And while I may not remember everything about Adam, I remember enough of the important stuff to know that he would love both of these organizations that seek to improve lives and create a more equitable world for those who can so easily get overlooked. #AdamsActs

Day #5: Vulnerability Begets Vulnerability

The first photo is how I went in to my first speaking event, and the second photo is how I walked into my last. It’s an accurate depiction of how both my hair and my behavior devolves throughout the day. 😂😂I haven’t ever been accused of having the strongest filter in the world… but yesterday was no filter at all. I don’t know if I can count that as a kindness, per se, but I believe that vulnerability begets vulnerability. For Day #5 I poured myself out with total transparency. This is always fairly horrifying but I was met, as always, with sweet moments of connection afterwards.

Mothers who said they resonated with my message of radical love and acceptance, of nurturing the kids we actually have - instead of trying to force them into people they are not. A beautiful transracial adoptee who connected with my passion and commitment to open adoption and the grief of adoption loss. And my favorite comment of the night “I hear Christian speakers that are good, but they set the bar for women so high… but you…. well…”

We all laughed and I made a joke about how I set the bar alllll the way down.

Then she said, “No, you set the bar where we’re at.” 😭😭

The time I spent praying for these women, trying to encourage them, and setting the bar at a place that makes women radically love and accept, not only their children, but also THEMSELVES… that is the spirit of kindness and generosity I wish I’d had when I was a young, scared, unmarried college student holding that positive pregnancy test for the first time. I think it would make Adam proud. #adamsacts

Day 4: Caring and Conversation Counts as Kindness (right?)

My favorite memories of my brother, Adam, aren’t the ones where he did something groundbreaking or heroic. My favorite memories are the ones when he and I just sat and talked. He was simply *with* me. My big brother, the coolest kid I knew, would take the time to sit with a little squirt like me. It made me feel special and loved.

Day 4 was like that. I didn’t do anything groundbreaking or heroic - I just sat with people, listened and tried to meet their needs. I stayed longer with my clients than I bill for, I met for almost two hours with a couple who are navigating a really challenging season with their child, I let London stay up late and I read to her because she was at a cliffhanger in one of my favorite books ever - The Giver. Then I finally sat down to eat some dinner at 10pm and ended up listening, joking with and talking to @annaleecapuano. (A sweet moment which she will later blame for her French homework not being completed.)🙄

London is 11 and Annalee is 17. They are the exact ages as Adam and I when he died. Listening, encouraging and caring for people through quality conversation and coaching was my act of kindness today. But watching Annalee and London just BE the ages they are, and letting myself soak in the memories of Adam and I at those same ages… that was a kindness and a mercy just for me.

#adamsacts

Day #3: Welcoming Baby Jethro Ja-eun!

For #Day3 of #AdamsActs I had dinner delivered to one of my all time favorite families on the planet. They are a foster/adoptive family in Boston who just welcomed the most angelic baby #4 into their amazing little family. ❤️ I also wanted to share a really beautiful video that Elizabeth Gervais created to get the GHHS students involved in spreading kindness in Adam’s memory. Please take a moment to watch and share! #BeCuriousNotJudgemental

Day #2: Adios Eyeballs

#Day2 of #AdamsActs I volunteered to boil my retinas while serving food at the IHS XC pasta dinner. (Not pictured: my eyeballs, which no longer exist after trying to take this picture.)